The Best Poker Jokes with Pictures

Sometimes playing poker makes you want to cry, especially when you suffer a bad beat. But sometimes, it’s worth looking at the poker games with a sense of humour. What better way is there to enjoy the game than telling a few poker jokes?

 

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Strip Poker

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poker cartoonpoker cartoon

 

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tarot cards

"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died." (Steven Wright)

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comic strip Vladik Sandler

 

The wife took up poker

I can't believe it's true

She started online yesterday

And I'm not sure what to do.

 

She's already cost us money

She's a hundred dollars down

She says its cause she has no luck

All I do is frown.

 

She thinks she's tight/aggressive

I wish that she was passive

Even with a nine and four

I see her raising massive.

 

With every face card she must raise

She says it's cause they're pretty

I just cringe and walk away

And sit and watch her booty.

 

She doesn't like the Ace of Spaces

Cause it's an ugly card

I watched her muck it with a King

And almost hit her... HARD.

 

She says that it is boring

To be dealt a pocket pair

I watched her folding bullets

And tore out half my hair.

 

In a hand against "ChillyRooste"

She had him fully beat

But she wouldn't take advantage

Cause she thought his name was sweet.

 

If she holds the nuts, she will not bet

She thinks that it's unfair.

And when re-raised she always calls

Cause she's got chips to spare.

 

Now she's thinking of NO LIMIT

She thinks it might be fun

I'm going through my chest of drawers

I'm looking for my gun.

 

Downstairs and armed and dangerous

Although it may be mean

I take my aim and fire it twice

And blow away the screen.

 

GAME OVER!!!

 

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cheating in pokerstrip poker

 

We caught him trying to cheat. He knew this was a tough poker club when he joined. Not allowed: cheating in poker!

First, we haven't started playing yet. And secondly, I wasn't aware we were playing strip poker.

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Underwear under the table, cartoon by Vladik Sandler

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress.
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed, he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirmed that he was interested. She told him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2pm Friday.
When Friday rolled around, and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6pm and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat, Sue answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes in fact he did give me $500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by my office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

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poker cartoonpoker cartoon

 

Did ya hear about the blonde who brought a bag of frozen French fries to a poker game? Someone told her to bring her own chips.

There are TWO secrets to success at Poker. Rule #1: Never tell your secrets.

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This is NO JOKE = Get a £5 bonus to play at Titanbet Poker: Please list jokes in the Promo Code field in the Cashier when you make your first deposit and receive a £5 bonus. (T&C apply) PLAY NOW with OUR SOFTWARE!

 
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poker cartoon by vladik sandler

After his divorce, Mr. Lewis realized that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with an astounding financial loss.

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poker cartoonpoker cartoon

 

Poker is a serious game, but, laughing with funny poker jokes can get you motivated to play harder. A sense of poker humour is definitely an asset when you play cards. Hey, this is just for fun!

 
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poker joke
 
“That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker,” the housewife told her neighbor. “You didn’t do it, did you?” “I have to admit I did — though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven’t done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!”

 
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poker joke

There’s a guy who lives in London. One morning, he hears a booming voice. The voice says, “Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.” He ignores the voice, but can’t help thinking about this seemingly divine message. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. “Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.” Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. “Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.” He can’t take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, “Go to theRio.” He goes to The Horseshoe. The voice says, “Put all your money into a World Series of Poker (WSOP) entry.” He puts up his $10,000 and buys an entry into the WSOP. He goes to his assigned tournament table. The first hand is dealt and the guy is dealt pocket Aces. The voice says, “Go all in.” He pushes his entire $10,000 bankroll into the pot. Three players call. The dealer lays down the flop which is Jh10h9h.

The voice says, “Damn!”

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dogs playing poker

A couple of dog owners were arguing about how intelligent their pets were.

“The smartest dog I ever had,” said one of them, “was a German shepherd called Jack. He could play poker better than most people, but I eventually had him put to sleep.”

“You put him to sleep, a smart dog like that? I mean a dog such as that must be worth millions of dollars,” said the other man.

“I had to,” the first dog owner replied, “We caught him using marked cards!”

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poker joke dogs playing poker

A woman walks into the living room and sees her brother playing poker with their dog.

“Wow!” she exclaimed, “You must have the smartest dog in the world!”

Her brother replies, “He’s not all that smart. I’ve beaten him 3 out of 5 games so far.”

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dropdead
 

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five players stand up.

Roberts looks around and asks, “Who is going to tell the wife?”

They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.

“Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.”

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door. Smith’s wife answers and asks what he wants.

Rippington says, “Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.”

She hollers, “TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!”

Rippington says, “I’ll tell him.”

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poker joke doctors
 
A doctor answers his phone at home on a Friday night. His colleague says, “We need an eighth player for poker.” The doctor replied, “Hold on. I’ll be there ASAP.” As he was grabbing his coat and keys, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “It sure is,” he said. “There are already seven other doctors there!”

 
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poker joke good hand
 

Poker is like sex… if you don’t have a good partner you better have a good hand.


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poker joke lose everything
 

There once was a woman who plays poker once a month with a group of female coworkers who was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 1:00 am.

One night she decided to try not to wake him. She undressed in the living room and, put her purse over her shoulder, and tiptoed nude into the bedroom, but was surprised to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.

“Dammit woman!” he exclaimed. “Did you lose everything?”


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poker jokes cowboy
 

Some cowboys were playing poker in an Old West saloon. One of them laid down the winning hand, and another jumped up, yelling, “He’s cheatin! He aint playin the cards I dealt him!”

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Did ya hear about the blonde who brought a bag of frozen French fries to a poker game?

Someone told her to bring her own chips.

 
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royal flush
 

A man comes home from his weekly poker game late. His annoying wife is waiting for him. “Where the heck have you been?” she asks.

“Sorry, but I lost you in a poker game. You’ll have to leave.”

“How did you manage that, you fool?”

“It wasn’t easy. I had to fold a royal flush.”

 

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There are TWO secrets to success at Poker. Rule #1: Never tell your secrets.

 
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poker pizza
 
What is the difference between a large pizza and a professional poker player?

The large pizza can feed a family of four.

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poker joke dog
 

A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This piques his curiosity, so he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog.

The next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog just like everybody else. The dog acts in turn with all of the other players: calling, raising, discarding, and doing everything that the human players are doing.

Oddly, none of the other players seems to pay any mind to the fact that they are playing with a dog. They treat him just like any other player.

Finally, the man can no longer contain his curiosity, so between hands he says quietly to one of the human players, “I can’t believe that dog is playing poker! He must be the smartest dog in the world!”

The player smiles and says, “He’s not that smart. Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”


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poker joke rabbi minister priest
 
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest are playing poker when the police raid the game. Addressing the priest, the lead officer asks: “Father Murphy, were you gambling?” Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, “Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do.” To the police officer, he then says, “No, officer, I was not gambling.” The officer then asks the minister: “Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?” Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, “No, officer, I was not gambling.” Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks: “Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?” Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: “With whom?”


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best poker jokes
 
A 12-year- old boy comes home from school and walks into his parents’ room. Mom and dad are in bed making love. The boy asks, “What are you doing?” His dad replies, “Playing poker. Now get out of here.” He goes to his older sister’s room to find his sister and her boyfriend in bed making love. The boy asks, “What are you doing?” His sister replies, “Playing poker. Now get out of here.” He goes to his older brother’s room and finds his brother masturbating. He asks his brother, “What are you doing?” His brother replies, “Playing poker.” The boy asks, “I thought that it takes two to play poker.” His brother replies, “Not if you have a good hand.”

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